couple therapy

Fears That Ruin Relationships

Loving someone is risky business, so it’s natural that fear is present in relationships. But when fear operates in our life in a way that hurts us or hurts others—through aggression or withdrawal—it becomes a problem. Recognizing these fears and how they affect our life can help us make the necessary changes to get the love we want.

1. Fear of losing freedom. Tied down, trapped, cornered, stuck—this “claustrophobia” points to mistaken beliefs about what relationships are supposed to be.  

2. Fear of conflict. Let’s face it, love can be messy. But it doesn’t have to be destructive. Constructive communication skills can be learned.  

3. Fear of change. Change means work, discomfort, uncertainty. But oh, the rewards of growth and depth and renewal!

4. Fear of giving up or losing control. We don’t have to surrender personal power in a healthy relationship.

5. Fear of pain. Ultimately, we must decide whether we trust fear or trust love.

6. Fear of being “found out.” When we hide our true self from those we love, we’re usually afraid that our true self is unlovable.

7. Fear of losing self. Often this comes from watching others (parent, friend, relative) suppress their individuality in relationship.

8. Fear of not being enough. When we fear our own inadequacy, we often expect perfection in our partners.

9. Fear of rejection. To avoid being rejected, we may become pleasers, taking our authentic needs and desires out of the equation. 

10. Fear of dependency. Some worry about losing the ability to take care of themselves, some about the responsibility for others.  

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
   - Nelson Mandela

In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.
--Albert Camus

Life is about authenticity, recognizing and honoring one’s song, getting in tune with that song and singing it well.
--Marge Schneider

Alter our life by altering your attitudes.
--William James

adult individual therapy

I approach individual therapy with the belief and knowledge that I am guiding the client through their own personal journey of discovery. I provide support, gentle impulsion, and education/research, to support each client with the tools they need to resolve trauma, grief/lose, abuse, and/or dysfunctional patterns of communicating. I utilize a solution focused model of therapy, with a directive, goal oriented approach.

I have been working with Monica to overcome depression and anxiety for approximately 2 years. She has provided very helpful materials, suggestions and exercises to improve my coping skills when in stressful situations and improving my self-esteem.  With her skills, encouragement and patience I am the confident person I always new I could be.  In the last 2 years I have made changes and improvements in my work, social, and personal life that have truly made me a happy and content person. Working with Monica has greatly improved my life and I would highly recommend her. - DM